Boys drive me crazy. I don't mean this in a boy-crazy sense. I mean they -literally- drive me crazy. Love drives me crazy. I miss not being confused by everyone, and everything. I miss when everything was super-simple. I miss that blatant, easy, clear-cut happiness Dustin and I had back in 2006. I miss not feeling like the relationship's about to plummet. I miss...not being like this.
I've never been more unsure of my relationship, of everyone around me, and of myself before in my life. I don't know how to fix it, either. How the hell..
I don't even know how to write entries anymore. Beautiful.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Lonliness, lonliness, such a waste of time..
Pisces Horoscopes
(Feb 19 - Mar 20)
For the Week of Feb 2nd, 2009 -- The old limits about your social behavior could be flung out the window this weekend. The Moon in your 5th House of Romance intensifies your interest in an amorous connection. Going to extremes out of desire or fear, though, can have a lasting impact. Choose your playmates and activities carefully to protect yourself.
..Damnnit.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
It's never over...
My uncle Allen is in the hospital. The chemotherapy from his cancer treatment backfired on him, and his liver shut down. Or something. I couldn't really understand a lot of what my dad was saying, aside from the bit about his liver. He's dying.
This was the wake-up call I got this afternoon. My dad is heading to Washington state, his brother is in the hospital, and he is dying. The one relative left my father is close to. He's dying. Son of a bitch. I'm worried, I'm going to remain worried. And the selfish thought in the back of my head? I know who's next.
Gah.
This was the wake-up call I got this afternoon. My dad is heading to Washington state, his brother is in the hospital, and he is dying. The one relative left my father is close to. He's dying. Son of a bitch. I'm worried, I'm going to remain worried. And the selfish thought in the back of my head? I know who's next.
Gah.
I need you by my side to tell me it's alright, 'cause I don't think I can take any more..
I've figured out what my problem is. It's applicable to everything. My friends, my family, my boyfriend, all of the social aspects. I am fucking tired of being everyone's punching bag. Bad day? Take it out on Briana. Fight with Bri? Hold it against her for however the fuck long makes you feel better. Got something against what Briana's doing in her life? Attack her for awhile. Fuck this. Fuck these people.
I'm tired of the bullshit I keep putting up with from people. I am tired of fucking tolerating it. And I am fucking tired of falling for it every single time.
Mav taught me better than this. A lot better than this. My God, I wish he were around to rant to. I never thought I'd say that. I never thought there would come a day I'd actually say I miss him. Surprise, surprise.
I switched from my LiveJournal to this not because I was tired of the LJ scene, but because I was more inclined to write whatever the hell I wanted somewhere away from there. Very few people know where it is, what it's located as, whatever. And still I keep putting off updating it for whatever reason. Stupid. Nothing's changed. Nothing has changed at -all.-
I'm making a promise now that, unless something painfully unforseen comes up that could possibly prevent me from doing so, I will be updating this tomorrow night. Guaranteed.
Man. Fuck people.
I'm tired of the bullshit I keep putting up with from people. I am tired of fucking tolerating it. And I am fucking tired of falling for it every single time.
Mav taught me better than this. A lot better than this. My God, I wish he were around to rant to. I never thought I'd say that. I never thought there would come a day I'd actually say I miss him. Surprise, surprise.
I switched from my LiveJournal to this not because I was tired of the LJ scene, but because I was more inclined to write whatever the hell I wanted somewhere away from there. Very few people know where it is, what it's located as, whatever. And still I keep putting off updating it for whatever reason. Stupid. Nothing's changed. Nothing has changed at -all.-
I'm making a promise now that, unless something painfully unforseen comes up that could possibly prevent me from doing so, I will be updating this tomorrow night. Guaranteed.
Man. Fuck people.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wasted days, and sleepless nights, and I can't wait to see you again..
What a late post. I'd planned on making it sometime yesterday, but I got far too swept up in the drama that is being the friend of Ben. Or the psuedo-friend who is never there and is only hurting herself, I suppose. At least he got one part right.
Things were somewhat resolved between Chris and I. In such a sense, much like my arguments with Mitch, this means I linked him to a journal post and it was more or less left in the dust. What was said is still there, still floating around... Whatever. Senseless fighting is exactly that. Senseless. And I'm fairly tired of it.
Speaking of senseless fighting, let's drone on about some of it.
Ben, last night, was a total dickhead on Valikorlia. To me, to some of the players, to Don, you name it. After he got himself jailed, I messaged him on AIM and struck up what ended up being a very...for lack of a better word, pathetic, conversation. It went fine and dandy until he started being a douchebag once more, and I asked him what his problem was. What I got hit with after much prodding was a large speech about how I am a fake friend. Someone who is never there for him, someone with nothing to say, someone who is living vicariously through WoW and Val and won't tell him what my deal is. The whole thing was just...pleasant. Wonderfully pleasant. In the end result, I ended up blowing up on him, and spilling a lot more than I really feel like telling more than a select few people. It was to make a point, but.. Bah. What a way to go out. As horrible, horrible as it may be, right now I don't give a fuck what Ben does. Ever. I want him to steer clear of me.
I've had a lot said to me over the past few days. Ben, Don, Angelo.. A few others. I have so many things on my plate now. So many questions to still answer, so many things to think about. I hate it, because I never wanted some of this to get to the point it's at now. Too late. I guess picking up some self-restraint should have been a resolution of mine. This sucks.
My head feels like it's going to explode. It's felt like this for days.
Things were somewhat resolved between Chris and I. In such a sense, much like my arguments with Mitch, this means I linked him to a journal post and it was more or less left in the dust. What was said is still there, still floating around... Whatever. Senseless fighting is exactly that. Senseless. And I'm fairly tired of it.
Speaking of senseless fighting, let's drone on about some of it.
Ben, last night, was a total dickhead on Valikorlia. To me, to some of the players, to Don, you name it. After he got himself jailed, I messaged him on AIM and struck up what ended up being a very...for lack of a better word, pathetic, conversation. It went fine and dandy until he started being a douchebag once more, and I asked him what his problem was. What I got hit with after much prodding was a large speech about how I am a fake friend. Someone who is never there for him, someone with nothing to say, someone who is living vicariously through WoW and Val and won't tell him what my deal is. The whole thing was just...pleasant. Wonderfully pleasant. In the end result, I ended up blowing up on him, and spilling a lot more than I really feel like telling more than a select few people. It was to make a point, but.. Bah. What a way to go out. As horrible, horrible as it may be, right now I don't give a fuck what Ben does. Ever. I want him to steer clear of me.
I've had a lot said to me over the past few days. Ben, Don, Angelo.. A few others. I have so many things on my plate now. So many questions to still answer, so many things to think about. I hate it, because I never wanted some of this to get to the point it's at now. Too late. I guess picking up some self-restraint should have been a resolution of mine. This sucks.
My head feels like it's going to explode. It's felt like this for days.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Why do I deserve such a visit, from the one I thought I'd never meet?
I'm still the biggest emo that I know. No longer is there a "becoming." It's just what I am.
I haven't bothered with the updating, neither here nor Livejournal, and I'd like to say that it's because I keep my real-life journal still. It's true, I still have it, but I haven't been updating it at all. Any time that I start to update, well, any of my journals, I am sidetracked by the thought of how pathetic the post will be. Every now and then, the whining going on in my head wins out, and the real-life journal gets an update. But not the online stuff.
The entries in my real-life journal actually sting to read. They're me, they're definitely me. You can tell I wrote them. What hurts is knowing that as pathetic as they sound, that's what I'm becoming. Have become. Whatever. My brain has become a cesspool for the whining, over-dramatic, kiddie bullshit that I chastised Chris ever-so harshly for. The only difference is, the only person I'm driving crazy with it is myself.
Yes, I chastised Chris. He who I spoke so highly of, so fondly of in my last online post. While I refuse to say that he wasn't over-the-top, and not driving me crazy, I will say that I've more or less lost Chris already. There's probably a large opening for me to salvage our friendship, but I don't seem to want to put my foot through the door. It feels the same with Mitch, to be honest. And both Bens. And Emily. There are large, gaping tears in all of my usually close friendships and I am making absolutely no effort to reconcile with anyone. The only one who doesn't seem put off by something I've done or said is Don, and that's probably because rather than being offended all the time, he's keen on doing the offending. Regardless, everyone I have ever been able to talk to is more or less gone, and I'm fairly sure that most of them are largely my fault.
It's not that I don't care. God knows I care. I care more than I want to admit. What I don't want is to make any effort. I don't want to do shit to fix anything. It doesn't stem only to them. The issue also lies in my relationship. I love Dustin. Dearly. That boy has been my every waking moment and every dream when I sleep for over two years, and I've fucked it up. I fucked it up the second I fired off at Nick, the second I told my mom I'd be fine with moving in with her. The second I decided I didn't know when to go back to Ohio, when to start doing everything I said I was going to do when I moved out... It's been over seven months. I have not seen Dustin in over months, and I've probably talked to him enough to fill maybe a month and a half in that time. It's not just on my part, there. His attention is terribly divided, and not evenly. And I'm not complaining. His attention being elsewhere gives me more time in my solitude. I'm afraid to fix it. I still don't know what I want. Not out of him, not out of me, and not out of our relationship. The fact that it feels like whatever he feels for me is situational doesn't help matters, I suppose. It just fuels my uncertainty. Man, I sound like Chris. Wonderful.
I've lost something. I don't know what it is, but something inside of me is missing. And I think that I'm just realizing that it's been missing for a very long time. Hell, I know what's wrong with me. The only two true physical pillars of strength I have ever had in my life are about to crumble and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I'm gonna lose them. Holy crap.
I haven't bothered with the updating, neither here nor Livejournal, and I'd like to say that it's because I keep my real-life journal still. It's true, I still have it, but I haven't been updating it at all. Any time that I start to update, well, any of my journals, I am sidetracked by the thought of how pathetic the post will be. Every now and then, the whining going on in my head wins out, and the real-life journal gets an update. But not the online stuff.
The entries in my real-life journal actually sting to read. They're me, they're definitely me. You can tell I wrote them. What hurts is knowing that as pathetic as they sound, that's what I'm becoming. Have become. Whatever. My brain has become a cesspool for the whining, over-dramatic, kiddie bullshit that I chastised Chris ever-so harshly for. The only difference is, the only person I'm driving crazy with it is myself.
Yes, I chastised Chris. He who I spoke so highly of, so fondly of in my last online post. While I refuse to say that he wasn't over-the-top, and not driving me crazy, I will say that I've more or less lost Chris already. There's probably a large opening for me to salvage our friendship, but I don't seem to want to put my foot through the door. It feels the same with Mitch, to be honest. And both Bens. And Emily. There are large, gaping tears in all of my usually close friendships and I am making absolutely no effort to reconcile with anyone. The only one who doesn't seem put off by something I've done or said is Don, and that's probably because rather than being offended all the time, he's keen on doing the offending. Regardless, everyone I have ever been able to talk to is more or less gone, and I'm fairly sure that most of them are largely my fault.
It's not that I don't care. God knows I care. I care more than I want to admit. What I don't want is to make any effort. I don't want to do shit to fix anything. It doesn't stem only to them. The issue also lies in my relationship. I love Dustin. Dearly. That boy has been my every waking moment and every dream when I sleep for over two years, and I've fucked it up. I fucked it up the second I fired off at Nick, the second I told my mom I'd be fine with moving in with her. The second I decided I didn't know when to go back to Ohio, when to start doing everything I said I was going to do when I moved out... It's been over seven months. I have not seen Dustin in over months, and I've probably talked to him enough to fill maybe a month and a half in that time. It's not just on my part, there. His attention is terribly divided, and not evenly. And I'm not complaining. His attention being elsewhere gives me more time in my solitude. I'm afraid to fix it. I still don't know what I want. Not out of him, not out of me, and not out of our relationship. The fact that it feels like whatever he feels for me is situational doesn't help matters, I suppose. It just fuels my uncertainty. Man, I sound like Chris. Wonderful.
I've lost something. I don't know what it is, but something inside of me is missing. And I think that I'm just realizing that it's been missing for a very long time. Hell, I know what's wrong with me. The only two true physical pillars of strength I have ever had in my life are about to crumble and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I'm gonna lose them. Holy crap.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
