Why do I deserve such a visit, from the one I thought I'd never meet?

I'm still the biggest emo that I know. No longer is there a "becoming." It's just what I am.

I haven't bothered with the updating, neither here nor Livejournal, and I'd like to say that it's because I keep my real-life journal still. It's true, I still have it, but I haven't been updating it at all. Any time that I start to update, well, any of my journals, I am sidetracked by the thought of how pathetic the post will be. Every now and then, the whining going on in my head wins out, and the real-life journal gets an update. But not the online stuff.

The entries in my real-life journal actually sting to read. They're me, they're definitely me. You can tell I wrote them. What hurts is knowing that as pathetic as they sound, that's what I'm becoming. Have become. Whatever. My brain has become a cesspool for the whining, over-dramatic, kiddie bullshit that I chastised Chris ever-so harshly for. The only difference is, the only person I'm driving crazy with it is myself.

Yes, I chastised Chris. He who I spoke so highly of, so fondly of in my last online post. While I refuse to say that he wasn't over-the-top, and not driving me crazy, I will say that I've more or less lost Chris already. There's probably a large opening for me to salvage our friendship, but I don't seem to want to put my foot through the door. It feels the same with Mitch, to be honest. And both Bens. And Emily. There are large, gaping tears in all of my usually close friendships and I am making absolutely no effort to reconcile with anyone. The only one who doesn't seem put off by something I've done or said is Don, and that's probably because rather than being offended all the time, he's keen on doing the offending. Regardless, everyone I have ever been able to talk to is more or less gone, and I'm fairly sure that most of them are largely my fault.

It's not that I don't care. God knows I care. I care more than I want to admit. What I don't want is to make any effort. I don't want to do shit to fix anything. It doesn't stem only to them. The issue also lies in my relationship. I love Dustin. Dearly. That boy has been my every waking moment and every dream when I sleep for over two years, and I've fucked it up. I fucked it up the second I fired off at Nick, the second I told my mom I'd be fine with moving in with her. The second I decided I didn't know when to go back to Ohio, when to start doing everything I said I was going to do when I moved out... It's been over seven months. I have not seen Dustin in over months, and I've probably talked to him enough to fill maybe a month and a half in that time. It's not just on my part, there. His attention is terribly divided, and not evenly. And I'm not complaining. His attention being elsewhere gives me more time in my solitude. I'm afraid to fix it. I still don't know what I want. Not out of him, not out of me, and not out of our relationship. The fact that it feels like whatever he feels for me is situational doesn't help matters, I suppose. It just fuels my uncertainty. Man, I sound like Chris. Wonderful.

I've lost something. I don't know what it is, but something inside of me is missing. And I think that I'm just realizing that it's been missing for a very long time. Hell, I know what's wrong with me. The only two true physical pillars of strength I have ever had in my life are about to crumble and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I'm gonna lose them. Holy crap.